“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.