I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]