I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.