Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no

when revenge coincides with naptime

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant