I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
You Might Also Like
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn