I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
crazy
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.