Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Woke up against my better judgement again

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

New nose

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

early stone age tool