I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
What even happened today?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.