I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
You Might Also Like
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.