I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word