I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.