I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
this could fix me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.