Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more