I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.