Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer