Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’