[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You Might Also Like
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Look Ma, no handle on things
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.