I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
This is a sub tweet
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
It’s a gift
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I have taken up painting
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.