I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Sorry not sorry.
