@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

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@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@ch000ch

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@caseytduncan

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

@Storminika

You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@freypalm

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

@hythemafia

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

@WeissBrandon

My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.

So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.

And that’s how the fight started.

@KateWhineHall

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.