I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m putting together a team
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.