I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”