I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.