I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
This hospital has everything
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.