Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.