Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.