I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Bread puns are on the rise!
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
When life hands you women, make women laid.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why I divorced her.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat