Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey