I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Wait a minute…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.