I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*