I disagree with my politics
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Nice try Hitler
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”