Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Nomnomnomnom

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.