I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
