I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Coffee for people with no kids
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
