I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
