I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this