I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Lmao the reply
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks