I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
You Might Also Like
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now