Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order