I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
You Might Also Like
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously