I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…