Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??