Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty