Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Mapping America’s Far Right

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.