I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

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*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*


Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.


*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.


[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]


I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.


DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot


Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don’t ask me questions about a crime scene


[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell


Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!


Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?