I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
When your parents check you’re ok.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*