I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
why neck hurt
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.