I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!