Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.