Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
How can I say no to this ?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”