Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

#parenting

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃