Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

presenting your incognito window wrapped

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.