I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.