@CloydRivers

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

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@EndhooS

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@GayAtHomeDad

When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.

@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@Reach4theSkye_

I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture

@MarlonBrandNO

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

@vanluvz1

I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

@Shade510

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.