Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?
Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.