Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.