Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Last-minute gift idea!

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?