I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?