Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

My dress code is business-casualty.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually