Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Me trying to “trust the process”

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.