Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Has science gone too far?

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.