i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
A recipe for laughter
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?