i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The Punning Dead.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
2022: I can fix it
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.