i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.