@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

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@therichards5

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

@Amburglar_

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@truegritrumble

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

@BlackJerms

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

@YSylon

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

@tastefactory

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”