The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
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<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!
<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered
<dog barks at door>
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.