Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake