I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
grotesque if literal: baby food
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
This is not me but this is me
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
This has made my week.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲