I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
this came to me in a vision
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My god she’s good.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie