Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

sin harder.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*