“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
You Might Also Like
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends