“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
🤣😂🤣
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
grandpa was shocked