Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home