Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people