Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Aw man, but that’s the best part

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.