I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk