I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.