Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

figuring out my emotional availability:

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.