Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

me before I type out affect or effect

I don’t get marriage

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

seems fine

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy