I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
But I really needed water water water
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.